Not Enough Aquamarine
by Artemisdesari
Summary: Fili has little notion of what it means to be a father, or even to have one. His own father died when he was barely four. Kili hadn't even been born and Fili isn't even sure that his mother was aware of her pregnancy when his father had been killed. The closest thing he has ever known to a father is Thorin, and his uncle is hardly the greatest example of one. Soul Stones Part 9


It has been several weeks since Fili woke in Arja's bed and he still hasn't been able to bring himself to tell her what he sees whenever he looks at her; that soft golden light that pulses with her heartbeat and cradles the indistinct gems of a soul in its centre. She knows something is wrong, they have been courting for over a year and even if they don't see each other every day they have come to know each other well enough for her to be able to tell when something isn't right. In other circumstances he would find it a relief. Now he isn't sure.

Fili has little notion of what it means to _be_ a father, or even to _have_ one. His own father, Vili, died when he was barely four. Kili hadn't even been _born_ and Fili isn't even sure that his mother was _aware_ of her pregnancy when his father had been killed. The closest thing he has ever known to a father is Thorin, and his uncle is hardly the greatest example of one. Fili _wants_ children, though not every dwarf does, but he has never felt that desperate longing for them as Kili occasionally has. Wanting children, however, is beside the point. Even if he _was_ consumed by some desperate desire for one it would be too soon. It has only been a year and while he knows in his heart that his future is with Arja, and not just because Mahal carved them from the same block of stone, she still has moments of doubt. Arja still has moments where she questions the whole thing, moments where she wonders whether her healer's mind is truly what Fili needs in a queen.

There is, as Fili points out, a ruthlessness in the practicality of healers. A willingness to sacrifice the diseased and damaged for the sake of the healthy. A healer will remove a limb if there is only a slim chance an infection can be treated. A healer will turn away from one who is so severely injured that saving them might cost more lives. They will allow themselves to seem cold and disconnected, but Fili has seen Arja weep in the evening when she speaks of a miner left with only one arm or a patrol where _one_ injured dwarf was left to die so that three others could live.

That practicality, however, is exactly what Fili needs sometimes, when he talks about decisions that Thorin has made which he disagrees with and she tries to help him see his uncle's point of view. Even if she doesn't always agree. Even his mother has said that with a little more work Arja will make a great queen, especially since she and Tir seem to be well on the way to becoming as thick as thieves. Which means that Tir _definitely_ knows what happened between Fili and Arja because even if she didn't hear it from the healer Kili will have told her having caught Fili leaving her room.

"Have I done something wrong?" Fili looks away from the fire in his chambers to see the object of his thoughts stood in his door. Her multitude of dark braids have been caught back in a jewelled clasp that he had made for her as an early courting gift and she is still in her healer's garb of dark trousers and tunic. It makes him long to see her in the most vibrantly coloured fabrics he can find.

"No, of course you haven't," he goes to her and takes her hands in his, deliberately _not_ looking at the clusters of gems that aren't yet large enough to be easily identified.

"So why are you avoiding me?" Arja demands.

That is something that he wants to deny and cannot. He has no idea how to discuss this with her, no idea how to approach it. He could wait until she realises for herself, he knows, except that won't give Arja the chance to really process the whole thing before Thorin and Dis start demanding that the pair of them marry.

"I'm not deliberately avoiding you," he mutters, "just trying to work out how to tell you something." She stares at him and he can see an expression of vague horror on her face that he doesn't understand until she speaks.

"If this is you saying that you've got what you wanted and it's time to find someone else more suitable-" she starts, and he yanks her away from the door so that he can close it.

"Nothing like that," he insists, pressing his forehead to hers. "Never that."

She relaxes against him and he feels relief flood him. He would never have forgiven himself if his confusion over their latest situation caused her to lose her trust in him.

"I'm sorry," she whispers. "The Men-"

She doesn't have to finish because that is enough for Fili to understand. Arja spends a lot of time among the Men of Dale. They have few healers and they aren't as hardy as dwarves. Accidents happen, particularly as sections of the city are still unstable, and she is among those who go to Dale with the dwarf stone masons who are working to rebuild the city. The Men don't actually _know_ they have any dwarrowdams among them, except Bard and his children who know Arja, and they have loose tongues and loose morals. There are those among them who have said, more than once, that it is perfectly acceptable to woo a lass until she takes you to her bed and never see her again after. Not all of their fellows agree, of course, if they did Fili suspects more of the work gangs would refuse to go back to Dale no matter _how_ much they're being paid. He should have known that those sentiments, along with her own doubts about her suitability, would have worked their way into Arja's head.

He crushes her to him and kisses her, and if things go a little further than they should it hardly matters at this point anyway.

Some time later, suitably reassured and satiated if not attired, Arja returns to the question that had brought her to his door in the first place as Fili trails his hand over the smooth planes of her stomach. She isn't sharp or heavily muscled in the way of a warrior, even a 'dam, she's soft and full and he watches as the golden light pulses with her gradually slowing heart. This close he can finally begin to pick out some of the gems, can finally see diamonds and jade and obsidian.

This is _not_ Durin, he realises, though he has no idea which stones make up Durin's heart and mind. This is a new soul gifted to them by Mahal, their Maker obviously isn't taking any chances that someone might come along and attempt to end things between the two of them.

"Fili," Arja repeats and he meets her concerned dark eyes.

"I see souls," he says, "when I look at you."

"I know," her reply carries and undertone of confusion.

"No, you don't. When I look at you, I've always seen a brilliant mind and a healer's heart," his hand rests more firmly over the tiny gems he has seen for the last few weeks. "But now I see another mind and another heart. _Here_." He presses lightly, and her hands cover his, understanding instantly.

"It doesn't work like that. Most couples take _years_ to conceive a child," her voice shakes and there are tears in her eyes.

Unlike Fili, Arja has longed for children. The dwarf birth rate is so low, however, that many couples might only ever have one or two children, if they are lucky enough to have any at all. Couples like Bombur and his wife, who now have _nine_ children are unusual. They are celebrated and envied.

"It has for us," Fili whispers. "I would never lie to you about something like this. I just didn't know how to _tell_ you. I've seen it for weeks." He sighs. "Obviously, our next step will have to be to tell my mother and Thorin, and we will need to do it soon, but when is up to you." She blinks and takes a few deep breaths. She's obviously trying to keep her emotions under control, trying _not_ to panic and he gives her a moment to relax herself.

"We won't be able to tell them for a few more months," Arja shakes her head. "There are ways for a 'dam to know that she might be carrying a child. The father being able to see the soul isn't one of them. Unless you _want_ to tell Lady Dis and the King about all of it?" Fili shudders, that definitely _isn't_ something he wants to consider doing.

"How long?" He asks.

"We can tell them we have suspicions in a couple of months, but we won't be able to be certain of it until I feel the quickening." Fili stares at her. "The first time I feel the baby move. I'll be starting to show by then as well," she adds. "Ten months or so after that and we'll have a prince or princess." She sits up abruptly, eyes wide and panicked.

"What's wrong?" He asks, alarmed.

"I'm carrying the next heir to the throne of Erebor," she replies, voice slightly shrill. Fili doesn't correct her that it will be _Durin_ who inherits after him, she's obviously got concerns enough as it is. "How do you raise a prince? I wouldn't know where to start."

"The same way as you do any other child," Fili assures her. "Amad and Thorin won't turn us away just because we didn't go about this quite the right way."

"'_Quite the right way_'?" She hisses. "Fili we're not even _married_!"

He looks at her, at the soft glitter to her skin as he touches her and the way it seems to spread from her heart. Kili and Tir are the same when near each other, he sees it almost daily, and he knows that as far as their _souls_ are concerned they _are_ married. The ceremony is just to make sure that everyone else knows it.

"Did you think I wouldn't ask you?" He replies. "Mahal carved us from the same piece of stone, He _made_ us for one another, and I've been lucky enough to have a second chance to find you. Do you really think I wasn't going to ask you to be my wife _before_ all of this?" He moves to sit behind her and wraps his arms around her so that he can rest his hands over the glow of their child. "The only reason I hadn't yet done it was I didn't think _you_ were ready."

"I don't like having my hand forced," she whispers.

"I know," he mutters, "nor do I."

"The next time I see Mahal, he's getting a piece of my mind," she adds. "But I _will_ marry you, Fili, regardless of the baby."

Fili breathes a sigh of relief.

They keep the fact that they have decided to marry to themselves until they decide that it is time to tell Dis and Thorin that they suspect Arja may be pregnant. In hindsight they conclude that they probably should have mentioned it weeks _before_ mentioning the baby. It would have prevented a number of awkward questions about their motivations behind deciding to marry.

"If I had thought it of either of you," Thorin growls once they have told him, "I would have expected this foolishness from _Kili_."

"_Uncle_!" Kili cries in offense, and they probably should have checked that _he_ was gone too. Thorin shoots him a look that has Kili subsiding instantly then turns his attention back to the nervous couple. "_When_?" He demands. Fili and Arja exchange a glance.

"The celebration of the victory of the Battle of the Five Armies," Kili supplies for them. "I caught Fili leaving her room the following morning." If looks could kill Kili would have been incinerated four times over.

"Is he right?" Their mother asks and he nods. "Oh, _Fili_," she sighs, obviously disappointed and he grips Arja's hand tighter. "And you decided you were going to marry when?"

"A couple of weeks later," Arja answers.

"Before you thought you might be with child," Thorin concludes. Fili is very careful _not_ to answer that one, though he feels Kili's eyes on him. He doesn't want to lie to his uncle and mother and would rather they come to their own conclusions.

"Do you have _any_ idea how much work goes into organising a royal wedding?" His mother demands. "It will take _weeks_, maybe _months_, even if we rush things as much as we can. Oh, what were you _thinking_?"

"I've got one or two ideas," Kili smirks.

"That isn't helpful," Thorin snaps.

Kili shrugs, completely unconcerned, but Fili knows it's because Kili has never managed to mess up quite _this_ badly. His brother has always said that when Fili decides to stop being the responsible one for ten minutes it will result in a mess of truly epic proportions. Kili wasn't wrong.

"Does it really matter?" Kili asks. "Clearly, he wasn't thinking, not with his _brain_ anyway, and it's done. Frankly, I would have thought that the fact that it's been managed so _easily_ would be a relief. No years fretting about Mahal blessing them with children or worrying about the succession." Then he grins widely. "And less pressure on Tir and I, since she's not ready for children yet."

"Do you think _we_ are?" Fili mutters.

"Much as I hate to admit it, **nadad**," their mother cuts in, "my youngest has a point. If Arja _is_ with child, it is done and cannot be _undone_. We have two or three months until we can be certain, and she will begin to show, and perhaps a year from now until the birth. We can organise a wedding in three months although it won't be as spectacular as we would like for the Crown Prince."

"We have little other choice," Thorin agrees. For the first time in a long time Fili feels that pit open inside him at the thought that he has disappointed his mother and uncle. It is an unpleasant feeling and it could have been avoided entirely if he had been more careful that night.

"No time like the present," Dis says, standing. "Come with me, Arja, we need to plan your dress and the marriage bead."

Arja glances at Fili who squeezes her hand in reassurance, then she takes a deep breath and follows his mother from the room.

"Come, Fili," Thorin's grin is wolf like, "let us go and inform Balin and Ori of this latest development."

Fili wonders if it is too late to grab Arja and run.

* * *

**_A.N:_** _I'm still on the good drugs, so I blame those for any weirdness_

_Stone Meanings:  
Diamond: Strength of emotions  
Jade: Calm intelligence  
Obsidian: A healing mind, protection against evil._


End file.
